so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
