My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
