jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
