I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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