I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
