you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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