i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
