mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
