Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
