____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i think i have two assholes
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
