I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
