frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
