I'm gonna have a badass scar
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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