Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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