Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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