you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
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I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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