Apparently you make a good broom.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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