i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
