Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
