I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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