there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
