i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
