i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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