There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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