So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
