She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
