a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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