Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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