all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
