Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
