That's when you crack a 10am beer
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
