On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
