508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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