I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
