In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
