I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
