It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
