he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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