Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
