Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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