just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
