I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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