I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
