I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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