Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
