I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
