I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
