We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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