So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
