I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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