You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
no, he came in my armpit
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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