I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
