I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
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some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
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Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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