Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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