and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We had to coat check the pizza.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
