I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
